How Do Mom's Do This?

This is tougher than I ever could've imagined. The ups and downs of this hospital stay have been intense, and I am feeling myself...my mood, my personality, etc...slip further and further away. I'm not trying to sound melodramatic here, and I apologize if it's coming across that way. I just need to vent I guess.

I realize there are sweet, sick babies in far worse condition than our little Benji. We still get to have him in our room most of the time. He acts and seems healthy, minus the IV as a constant reminder that he's not. Every blood test/culture he's had since the initial positive has come back negative and clear. He eats well. He maintains his temperature well. (Although those two things seem to change...one day he'll be doing great and the next he's back in the nursery under the warmers because of low temps. Again...ups and downs.) But Benji has an elevated CRP level. CRP is C Reactive Protein...it's a marker, kind of like white blood cell count. Completely non-specific. All we know is that something is wrong. His CRP is not only elevated...it's HIGHER than the last time they checked it. And we have absolutely no idea why.

Yesterday they took his IV out and told us they'd check his blood one more time in the morning and that in all likelihood we'd be going home. Now, yes, they probably shouldn't have said that...but he's been doing so well! But a visit from the pediatrician proved dissapointing this morning...he's here and we don't know for how long. The immediate thought is finish out a 5 day course of antibiotics and retest him then. If it's still elevated, we go from there.

Of course, as a mom...especially a mom prone to worry more than some...my mind runs this gamut of all of the things that could possibly be wrong to elevate that count. There is no "infection"...so what else could be elevating that count? Something is obviously wrong with my baby.

I'm stressed. I'm scared. I'm sad. I am sick, sick, sick of being in this hospital (but I left yesterday and that was way more stressful for me than being here). I miss my other kids and my house and my dogs, but the thought of leaving my baby here for even a minute just breaks my heart. I feel so torn...not knowing what to think. What to do.

Again, I realize there are babies and families dealing with far worse situations which makes me feel guilty for complaining. I feel guilty when I am crabby towards family and friends that want to visit and I just feel like I can't be upbeat and cheerful. I feel guilty that I can't make my sick baby better. I feel guilty that I have felt jealousy towards other moms/babies who were discharged together from the hospital since we've been here. That is unlike me...like I said, I'm losing sight of myself and I don't really know what to do about it.

Anyway...sorry for the "Debbie Downer" post this morning. I just needed to vent how I'm feeling somewhere, and here's as good a place as any, right? I am just having a hard time with the constant wondering and worrying.

(And if any readers have any information on or experience with elevated CRP levels, please let me know.)

I will keep you all posted on how he's doing.